permanency and muscle memory

you said “it was a mistake”

like bitter icing on an old cake

permanent marker stains

and now it’s too late

to erase all the pain

i say “it is a memory”

an integral part of me

a memory my heart holds

twists and folds

until thoughts grow old

yes, i reached for your hand out of habit

memories have a funny way of doing that

then i looked to the ground

surprised to have found

a crucifix buried in it

i say mistakes are like bookshelves

that bring comfort when tears dry themselves

they carry the weight of a thousand decisions

and bear the weight when you almost cave in

besides what are mistakes

but  reasons to live

       reasons to love

and reasons to forgive

for all the shit i’ve gone through

i know i did the best i could do

how can that be a mistake?

life is about learning for experience’s sake

by gathering all those bits of knowledge

and “i’ll never do that again”

we learn who to trust, who to love and

who is a good friend

i’ve learned that hearts don’t break

they merely open and close

eyes fill up full of tears

an unexpected kiss on the nose

of all the muscles in the body

the heart remembers the most

my heart has learned to tense up

when other hearts get too close

yes muscles remember—each laugh, every cry

muscles remember and so do i

i’ve learned that hearts don’t sink

they simply float

on top of the ripples we create

in our mistake-ridden boats

the ripples tell me:

embrace pain

embrace change

embrace all that has held you down

embrace those waves when you almost drown

embrace all those mistakes

embrace and hold them close

for hearts remember everything

even if you don’t

i’ve learned that hearts don’t scar

they just take time to heal

all they need is closeness:

a safe friend they can feel

yes it’s true, painful stains cannot be removed

shout only makes them harder to work through

for when they become invisible to the naked eye

it is so much harder to realize

that these stains—these mistakes that left a mark

are essential to living and learning that

we all are a part of each other’s hearts

how appropriate it is then that these stains now hold my heart

surround me in hope when i drift apart

now I claim my many stains

add them up you’ll get my name

for this stain on my skin

is a symbol of my strength within

a symbol of everything i’ve learned and know

for like flowers i too continue to bloom and grow

© Jona Noelle Baily, 2011

Star of Bethlehem; photo by Tony Russell